I don't want to sugar coat it--2018 sucked for our family. Every time I look back at this year, one event will stick out more than anything else, and that is the death of my beloved dad on August 9. Four years earlier, he was diagnosed with a malignant, stage 4 brain tumor. He endured two brain surgeries, radiation, and chemotherapy, and he lived considerably longer than most patients with the same diagnosis. But even through this heartbreaking time, I have been witness to such grace and empathy from others.
In her book, Grateful, Diana Butler Bass likens the events that shape our lives as either "tailwinds" or "headwinds." Typically, tailwinds propel objects forward, while headwinds make forward progress much more difficult. When looking the events in our lives, we can see them as difficult headwinds or advantageous tailwinds. Butler Bass asks us to consider even the headwinds as blessings.
The perceived headwinds of my dad's decline were also some of my most important tailwinds. I felt so helpless to see my dad in such agony and pain as he declined, but nursing him through his final days was an honor. Holding his hand as he entered heaven was a heartbreaking joy. The compassion our family has received has been remarkable. So many people did so much for us, but I have found it difficult to write all of the thank you notes that need to be sent. (If you're still waiting on one, please know that I haven't forgotten you. I am simply unready to make that step at this time, and I appreciate the grace you have afforded me.)
I knew that grief profoundly affects people in myriad ways, but what I did not know is that grief would have such an impact on my cognition. There have been so many conversations in which I cannot focus or find even the most simple of words to complete my sentences. My short-term memory is kaput. Time is making a difference, and once again, I thank everyone for their patience and grace.
Another tailwind that I've since turned into a headwind was the fact that I was passed over for the same job for a second time. What's that old saying? Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Instead of being bitter, I have chosen a path of resilience. So, the tailwind in this situation would be that we now have an amazing boss. She is knowledgable and caring, and she handles everything which such grace. She is an amazing role model. Also, the good Lord knew what he was doing in not answering my prayers for that job. I simply would not have been able to keep up with demands of that job and mourn the loss of my father.
Finally, just before Thanksgiving our youngest daughter had two scary events. First, she went on her first Girl Scout overnight campout without me. And as if I wasn't having bad enough mom-guilt, I got a phone call early on Saturday morning in which she let me know that she had fallen off a horse! But, as my friend said, my tribe was there to take care of her, and all was fine. The next week, she was diagnosed with not one but TWO heart issues, one of which is potentially life-threatening. We listened to her complaints about her heart "hurting," and even though we had thorough testing a few years prior that showed nothing abnormal, we took her back to a pediatric cardiologist. Although this is very scary, and now it is hard to let her out of our sight, we are able to manage her symptoms. She will need an ablation in the next few years, but until then, she can continue to be her happy-go-lucky self.
So what have I learned this year? I have learned to slow down and spend more quality time with those I love. I have learned so say "no" when something doesn't work for me. I have learned to listen more to that inner voice that says that something is not right. I have learned that people will surprise you--some in good ways, and some in bad. I have learned to never let myself be made to feel small or to feel like I have to apologize (thank you, Rachel Hollis). I have learned that healing takes time, cannot be rushed, and that no one is entitled to an apology regarding my grief. I have learned that some of our greatest headwinds can be our hugest blessings.
In her book, Grateful, Diana Butler Bass likens the events that shape our lives as either "tailwinds" or "headwinds." Typically, tailwinds propel objects forward, while headwinds make forward progress much more difficult. When looking the events in our lives, we can see them as difficult headwinds or advantageous tailwinds. Butler Bass asks us to consider even the headwinds as blessings.
The perceived headwinds of my dad's decline were also some of my most important tailwinds. I felt so helpless to see my dad in such agony and pain as he declined, but nursing him through his final days was an honor. Holding his hand as he entered heaven was a heartbreaking joy. The compassion our family has received has been remarkable. So many people did so much for us, but I have found it difficult to write all of the thank you notes that need to be sent. (If you're still waiting on one, please know that I haven't forgotten you. I am simply unready to make that step at this time, and I appreciate the grace you have afforded me.)
I knew that grief profoundly affects people in myriad ways, but what I did not know is that grief would have such an impact on my cognition. There have been so many conversations in which I cannot focus or find even the most simple of words to complete my sentences. My short-term memory is kaput. Time is making a difference, and once again, I thank everyone for their patience and grace.
Another tailwind that I've since turned into a headwind was the fact that I was passed over for the same job for a second time. What's that old saying? Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Instead of being bitter, I have chosen a path of resilience. So, the tailwind in this situation would be that we now have an amazing boss. She is knowledgable and caring, and she handles everything which such grace. She is an amazing role model. Also, the good Lord knew what he was doing in not answering my prayers for that job. I simply would not have been able to keep up with demands of that job and mourn the loss of my father.
Finally, just before Thanksgiving our youngest daughter had two scary events. First, she went on her first Girl Scout overnight campout without me. And as if I wasn't having bad enough mom-guilt, I got a phone call early on Saturday morning in which she let me know that she had fallen off a horse! But, as my friend said, my tribe was there to take care of her, and all was fine. The next week, she was diagnosed with not one but TWO heart issues, one of which is potentially life-threatening. We listened to her complaints about her heart "hurting," and even though we had thorough testing a few years prior that showed nothing abnormal, we took her back to a pediatric cardiologist. Although this is very scary, and now it is hard to let her out of our sight, we are able to manage her symptoms. She will need an ablation in the next few years, but until then, she can continue to be her happy-go-lucky self.
So what have I learned this year? I have learned to slow down and spend more quality time with those I love. I have learned so say "no" when something doesn't work for me. I have learned to listen more to that inner voice that says that something is not right. I have learned that people will surprise you--some in good ways, and some in bad. I have learned to never let myself be made to feel small or to feel like I have to apologize (thank you, Rachel Hollis). I have learned that healing takes time, cannot be rushed, and that no one is entitled to an apology regarding my grief. I have learned that some of our greatest headwinds can be our hugest blessings.
This is beautiful and so true even if it is hard to accept the progress that headwinds invoke. I love my little buddy and I am praying for her heart. I will also pray for yours, that you find and settle into a new normal that leaves you peace and stability once again. Things cannot be the same after such a huge loss, but they can be joyful. And you are absolutely correct, you do not have to apologize as you navigate this course.
ReplyDeleteI will add this book to my Audible.